As I approach the end of my first year pursuing a doctorate in education (Ed.D) I feel that it is a good time to reflect on the experiences that I’ve had in the past year and the learning that I’ve acquired. When I was in high school, my uncle got his doctorate and ever since I have wanted to pursue one for myself and this past year I was fortunate to get that ball rolling. Pursuing this has been one of my greatest dreams and I am so very excited about continuing on my journey.
It is both harder and easier than I thought
One of the things that has stuck out to me as I’ve been engaged in my doctorate program is that the level of difficulty is very different than I expected going in. In some ways, the work has been simpler than what I expected. Many of the assignments derive so naturally from the reading and the concepts we discuss in class that it feels sometimes like they write themselves. For instance, I had an assignment where I had to conduct an interview, an observation (which I was able to do virtually thanks to the pandemic), and review an artifact related to my project. When conducting my analysis, it felt as though it flowed from my mind to the page. I had never experienced that in an assignment before and it was an amazing feeling. The entire assignment felt crystal clear from the beginning, and I never had any doubt that the work that I put into it, from the data collection to the writing, not only satisfied its requirements but also built out my own knowledge and expertise.
That is not to say that it has been easy. Managing the time is extremely difficult. If I could talk to 2021 Travis, the first thing I would tell him is “When they say start early on an assignment, actually do it!” There is so much reading to do, not just for the classes but also for the dissertation that I hope to begin a year from now. The articles are difficult, the concepts are heady, and trying to write a discussion board post while remember what exactly you’ve read (and who wrote it! APA citations are important!) can make you feel as though your brain is being pulled in 50 different directions simultaneously. The workload can feel intense at times and it can feel like I am often wondering “when am I going to find the time to do it all?” But soon after, the work is finished and I am wondering how I thought it was so difficult to begin with.
The dissertation drives everything
While I had always known that doing a dissertation was the “big” assignment for any doctorate student, I had no idea going in how much my dissertation topic would drive the class. I think that expected the dissertation to be something that was just a capstone, something where I would simply choose a topic during my final year of the program, research it, and then write extensively on it. What I did not realize, is that my dissertation project would the primary focus of the education from the beginning. Looking back, I feel like this was a very naïve feeling and I should have probably asked more questions about the dissertation going in. Though, to be fair, I wonder if asking those questions would have caused me to decide against pursuing this degree.
One great thing, however, about the dissertation driving so much of the program is that it really makes you feel as though every class, every discussion board post, and every assignment leads to an increased level of knowledge about my topic and a new perspective to investigate. Feeling as though I have “bought in” to my assignment is something that I have always needed to perform my best (as my undergrad GPA can attest to…) and the focus on the dissertation helps me to constantly be invested in my assignments and my work.
Imposter syndrome is real
One feeling that I still fight as I continue in this program is that of imposter syndrome, or the feeling where you think that you’re a fraud. It causes anxiety on a level that I had never experienced before and makes you question your own knowledge and expertise. It is easy to see how this feeling can happen. You are being taught by high academic achievers who constantly expose you to literature and points of view that challenge your current beliefs. Your colleagues themselves are extremely intelligent and knowledgeable, often in areas that you know little about. This has led me to think at times that my knowledge and experience don’t measure up, that I’m faking it all and just hoping no one discovers my shame.
For me, this feeling as occurred in waves. Sometimes I’m riding high with confidence (such as after the assignment mentioned above), and other times I am trying to decide if I am in over my head. Every success builds confidence, but just like the ocean on the beach, the waves keep coming.
However, it would be remiss to not mention the high level of support that I have received and how that has helped me. The faculty in my program are invested in each and every student achieving their goal and continuing to build academic research. This support is something I have needed and have been very grateful for. There is no way I could have made it this year without it.
Though I have received great support from my staff, there has been no greater supporter of me than my wife. She has been my cheerleader, my coach, my security blanket, and my rock. I will be forever grateful for her sacrifice as I pursue my dream and only hope that I can repay her someday for her assistance. She will deserve it.
It is absolutely worth it
Many people have asked me what I intend to do with my doctorate after I finish. My answer is always the same: “I haven’t decided yet.” This to me has become more than a piece of paper, more than just letters behind my name on an email signature. I have begun to see this as more about the journey than the destination. For me, getting my doctorate is about building knowledge. Knowledge not just for myself, but knowledge that can be shared and built upon as well. That is what brings me the most joy when I think about all of the steps, both good and bad, that I have taken on this journey. So yes, it has been will continue to be completely worth it.
Though to be fair, sometimes I dream about being Dr. Mann looking at down at the Chicago River from the penthouse on the 93rd floor of the St. Regis building…
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